Review: "The Maw"

I've been busy lately. I just don't have time to play my brother's copy of Assassin's Creed or my new shiny copy of BioShock. Instead, I decided to spend the last week with a new XBLA title, The Maw.

There he is. The Maw. He's a big purple alien monster with a hunger for all living creatures. And that's the game. You play Frank, another alien who leads The Maw around on a leash. As you feed him, he grows, and his characteristics adapt to the monsters he eats. For example, if Maw eats a Gastro (a lava lizard), he can breath fire. If he eats a Loofer (a peacock with laser eyes), he can shoot lasers out of his eyes.

The game has fantastic graphics for a downloadable game, but perhaps the most obnoxious soundtrack I've heard on a game in a while. I did hit a glitch that made me completely replay one level just before I beat it, which was horribly frustrating. Also, although it's largely a very straightforward platformer, it gets unnecessarily complicated at times. The frustration sprouts from Frank trying to grab a creature to feed to The Maw. For whatever reason, it's just too hard.

Still, it's a very charming game, albeit a pretty quick play. If you're willing to spend a small amount of money to play this game through one time, go right ahead. Honestly, there's a part of me that wanted this game to end pretty quickly if only because of the headache that came from the soundtrack. You know what? Mute the TV and enjoy the game. That's probably the best idea.

Aside from my petty complaints, The Maw is legitimitely enjoyable. I say give it a go.

Grade: B

Review: "de Blob"

I think I know why I fell in love with de Blob. It has to be the soundtrack of the game. As you roll around the city as a giant blob of paint, the city fills with music. When you bring the color, you bring the funk. This amazing Quincy Jones street beat starts popping up all over the place. I'm almost positive that the soundtrack fuels three-fourths of the fun of de Blob.

This may be the perfect game for children and adults alike. The premise is silly: you, de Blob, are aiding a team of color revolutionaries to reanimate the city of Chroma. The inkies have come in and taken away all the color, and so you, de Blob, must make Chroma City come back to life. Viva la revolucion!

So essentially, the game is teaching kids how to be revolutionaries (to a very funk and jazz oriented soundtrack). Frankly, I thought this game had some undertones when it came to message. The I.N.K.T. corporation comes in, spreads out, and ruins all of the colorful lifestyles and cultures in the city? My conspiracy theory is that de Blob is secretly about gentrification. Gentrification occurs when you go into a neighborhood, vibrant and full of culture, and start putting in dog grooming stores and Wal-Marts (to "make them better"). Your job is to go in, tear down the corporation and start making life vibrant again. But it's not like this game independently ran out on any corporations - it was being supported by Nintendo, THQ, and an exlusive special release from Circuit City. Thus, maybe it isn't intentionally about gentrification, but you must admit that there's something fishy about this revolution business.

One thing that I picked up on with de Blob is that the game actually reminded me of Tony Hawk's Pro-Skater 2. You run around, you do little mini-games, and the point is to free ride around a city to rack up points. No, you don't do tricks and there is a severe lack of Bob Burnquist, but it is similar if only for the maps and mini-games.

The only place where de Blob gets it wrong is the multiplayer. Much like on Tony Hawk, there's a "king of the hill" type game - each player paints as much as they can, racking up more points than the other player, and going to paint over the other player's stuff. Unfortunately, it just doesn't translate as well to de Blob. It's more frustrating than fun.

But the main levels for de Blob offer a lot of room for roaming around and exploring. I'm sure this could be annoying, but again, this is obviously a game aimed at kids. It probably only has semi-replayability, considering running around and painting things over and over again can get old pretty quickly. Still, de Blob keeps it fun. Through the soundtrack and the story, it gets you geared for action. In fact, I heard myself saying things like, "De Blob de failed" after losing a mini-game. The game just gets in your system.

Oh, and did I mention that I found the new best fictional foreign language? Forget The Sims, the blobs' language is way better. It's like a sped-up Jabba the Hut, except you can actually make out them saying proper names, like "Blob" in a really fast way. Take that, Tolkien.

This is one of the best third-party games I've played for the Wii in a long time. Do yourself a favor and join the color revolution.

Grade: A

Review: "Star Wars: The Force Unleashed" for Wii

The mantle in my living room features a Lando Calrissian action figure (also known as Little Billy Dee). Thus, I call my mantle "Cloud City." That's how much I love Star Wars. Not surprisingly, I was in awe of the idea of this game from the videos and pre-release hype.

And then, of course, the hype died with mediocre reviews. But I refused to believe it. I had to debunk the solid stream of "OK" reviews with my own, fresh, good perspective. So I rented the game, ready as ever to fall in love with it.

The plot, in a nutshell, is this: you are Darth Vader's apprentice. Lord Vader is sending you on secret missions across the galaxy where you must do his bidding, yet nobody can know of your existence, so you have to kill everybody who crosses your path (Rebels, Stormtroopers, Rancor monsters, you get the picture). To carry out your tasks, you have a lightsaber and some awesome force powers that make you seem more powerful than The Emperor himself.

But it's not a strategy based game at all. You know games like Final Fight, River City Ransom and No More Heroes? They're called "beat em' ups." That's what this is. It's a super fancy looking beat em' up. However, since The Force Unleashed wants so badly to be some sort of Tom Clancy-esque mission based game, the beat em' up format doesn't really work.

The game advertised itself, essentially, as the next major Star Wars story (excepting the Clone Wars stuff). The novelization even hit the top of the The New York Times bestsellers list. If the game would've been more low key and less hyped, like Shadows of the Empire, it would've been fine. But there was a huge campaign behind this game, toting it to be not only the next great Star Wars game, but one of the best games period. And it isn't. You essentially run around and do the same few Force moves over and over to kill redshirts.

I'll just list the annoying stuff.

1) The camera angles are extremely frustrating. If you're fighting somebody, likely you're going to lose half of your health while trying to whip the camera back in the right direction.
2) There are no consequences for dying. You get killed, you respawn in the same place, the same people are dead, and you continue playing into infinity. You can save any time, you don't have a life meter. You just keep living. No wonder those Stormtroopers look so frustrated.
3) You have to kill droids and wookies. I'm ethically against the mistreatment of wookies.
4) The game has no replay value. When I beat it, I returned it right away. There's not much reward in playing it again, so what's the point of keeping it around?
5) The lightsaber duels are clumsy and obnoxious, which should feasibly be a really cool part of the game.
6) You know those videos of The Apprentice character crushing an AT-ST walker with The Force? Yeah, you basically do that by shaking the Wiimote and Nunchuk at the appropriate time. Over and over again. It's less than compelling.
7) The writing is pretty bad. I just really couldn't find the magic of the original Star Wars films in the story (which is an unfair comparison, but it does tack the name Star Wars on the box, so it's a necessary one). Maybe it's that on the Wii, the graphics allow two emotions for characters: indifferent and angry. But the voice acting is no good, there's a totally pointless love story, and the whole plot is circular and just echos "George Lucas needs that money!" Plus, at the end, I'm not sure as to whether or not I'm supposed to like the character.
8) No James Earl Jones.

I have one last problem, but it's for a totally nerdy "sci-fi logic" reason. So the main character is an all-powerful jedi who can take down Star Destroyers and toss TIE Fighters across the room with the flick of the wrist. Uh...Luke Skywalker could barely lift an X-Wing. He would probably have a small heart attack at the thought of crushing a giant machine with The Force. And ultimately, Luke ends up accomplishing what this Apprentice can't do. It makes no sense at all.

Really, the whole thing feels like a rushed job. They had a good idea and then they wanted to get it out there. It shows. Example - throughout the game, Vader keeps sending you back to the same three places, where things "just happen to be going on" (i.e. they didn't have time to create another two or three worlds). I mean, come on, are there really that many ongoings at the Jedi Temple? I think not.

Ultimately, though, the game utilized the Wii's controllers quite well. Plus, there's that epic John Williams score to back it up, which is always helpful. Oh, and you get to play as Darth Vader for the first level. During that level, I kept giggling like I would've in the fifth grade. It's pretty exciting to be one of the most evil, powerful characters of all time.

It's a decent beat em' up, but if you really want to check it out, rent it. It's nowhere near being worth the money. It looks like mediocrity wins the day for this game.

Grade: C+ (DON'T BELIEVE THA HYPE!)

"GRID" - the Review

Nintendo DS games have a few requirements to meet that games for major platforms don't need to worry about. For example: if I'm taking the bus to work in the morning, the game needs to be playable during the severe bouts of the obligatory bus jiggle. If it's too bright through the windows of the bus, the game must be adaptable to frequent afternoon pausing or a brief period where I can't see the screen. With a racing game, blind spot periods aren't going to bode well.

Then there's the other factors with the Nintendo DS. What is the other screen doing while I'm looking at this one? Is it unnecessary? Would it be better if I was playing this game on a one-screen system (i.e. the PSP or a system that utilizes an actual television)?

I suppose it's unfair to judge a game on its bus compatibility. GRID should be judged by a few key factors: does it utilize the DS's stylus well and, if not, would it have been fun for the old Game Boy systems? And, since it got such rave reviews for the PC, Xbox 360 and PS3, does the handheld version hold up?

For one, I can't compare the handheld GRID to the big kids' GRID. I never played the old one. I can, however, tell you how this game stands on its own two feet.

Obviously, the graphics are Nintendo 64 quality, but that doesn't bug me. It's a game for the Nintendo DS, so I'm not looking for a crisp picture. The main thing I'm concerned with is how fast I can drive a car into a wall and how much the game will let me get away with it.

The answer: GRID doesn't like it when you crash a car into a wall at 170 MPH. It doesn't like it one bit. That's why the game enables the proper punishments. Your car will go slower, your car will start fishtailing, the hood will emit a heavy black smoke (thus impairing your field of vision) and you'll be able to steer your car as well as you can steer a horse on a merry-go-round. In other words, you get consequences close to what you would experience in real life (short of death and severe injuries, you know, unless you play GRID while you're driving an actual car).

That's what I like about GRID. It doesn't pull any "fantasy driving" punches. If you're going to take a sharp turn, you better slam the brakes and be prepared to take a sharp turn. You won't be able to magically turn while going at top speed without running into a wall.

During races and time trials and the like, however, the bottom screen doesn't really do anything. You'll use the A and B buttons and the D-pad to accelerate, brake, reverse and steer. The bottom screen will show you a generic map in front of a grid (lowercase), which will help you not-at-all.

Another frustrating thing is that the game doesn't really show you what your goal is for the race. You race, and if you win, you find out what your reward is. It's not a huge deal, but I'd like some incentive for failing over and over again in order to get it just right.

GRID gets frustrating, true. It isn't easy to win most of the time. You really need to get the feel for each track that you're racing on. Traditionally, you'll need to play the harder courses at least six times in order to really get cracking.

So is it a bus game? Not at all. It's a game to play while you're sitting in bed or on the couch. If you're sitting on the bus, you'll never be able to successfully customize your track. What's that? A whole different aspect of the game? Why didn't you ask?

Yes, you get to build your own course. But do you have free reign over what you want to do with the course? Not at all! You have to adhere to a strict set of instructions. "The course must be 6500 kilometers long with 6 sharp turns and 4 medium curves and, oh yeah, we've placed these trees here so you'll have to work around those too." But GRID, I want to make it simple and fun. "What part of 6 sharp turns did you not understand?"

There are a few frustrating things, but ultimately, I'm glad that the game isn't easy. Taking the challenge out of the game would make it a quick fix. I do have fun playing over-the-top racing games (see Burnout), but GRID sticks to somewhat more realistic means. Rent it? I say yes.

Grade: B

Two Brief DS Reviews: "Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney" and "Myst"

I played the original Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney and beat it as soon as I could. What an amazing game. So what does Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney do differently? Very little. That's what I like to hear.

The graphics for the cut scenes have improved slightly, but it's not notable unless you're a fanatic of the original game.

Apparently, Phoenix Wright has hung up his badge. I don't know why since I didn't play the two games in between, but regardless, it's time for Apollo Justice to come on the scene. First, that's an awesome name. Second, the game is awesome. No, I haven't beaten it, but I still played it pretty extensively. Apollo Justice doesn't change a good thing, which is the best decision Capcom could've made for the game.

Grade: A

In the other corner, we have Myst. The game was originally released for PC in 1993. The game was considered a classic. Thus, they took the next step by remaking it for the DS. What a poor decision.

The game is boring, tedious, and doesn't make me want to pick it back up. When I took Apollo Justice out of the DS and put in Myst, I found myself extremely disappointed in my decision. So I took the game back out after playing it for a few minutes and putting Apollo Justice back in. It isn't really impatience that led me to turn the game off. I can sit through hours of RPGs that require a lot of time and attention. This game induced what felt more like apathy. No thanks.

Grade: F

Mario Kart Wii: The Review

I was curious about how the Mario Kart games have progressed over the years. After all, I hadn't played one since the seventh grade or so. Mario Kart 64 is probably one of the all-time classic video games of all time and easily one of the best released for the Nintendo 64. I didn't play Mario Kart: Double Dash for the GameCube since my system stopped working. Thus, I was curious to see how this one would work.

I started up the game and decided to kick it off by playing a two-player vs. match, since that's what I'm accustomed to from childhood. The game was extremely frustrating. I was in first place for approximately ten seconds, then I was hit with some kind of flying blue shell, and then I was in 12th place. The person in 12th place managed to edge me out and get into first place with some magic weapon. To say the least, it was unnecessary. I put it down and stopped playing.

The next day, I was bored. My arms inexplicably moved and picked up a Wiimote and turned on the game. I played the game. And then I kept playing. And then I didn't stop playing.

Mario Kart Wii is a lot of fun. Yes, it's sort of a game of chance, and yes, it's very frustrating at times, but it's addictive. I went from despising the game to wanting to own it in about a day.

People have complaints about the Wii Wheel, which I understand. It's just as easy to shove the Wiimote into a Birkenstock and spin that around. Plus, the controls are better if you just use an old GameCube controller. Regardless, it's easy to get the hang of the steering on the Wiimote.

The soundtrack is obnoxious. The character selection is, at times, pretty unnecessary. There are a lot of different characters to choose that at times, it's hard to imagine wanting to play as Baby Mario or Baby Peach or Rosalina (the woman from Super Mario Galaxy).

More than anything, this is just a fun game to play with your friends. The multiplayer potential is awesome. There's nothing better than a room of people screaming obscenities because they've been hit by a red shell when they had a substantial lead. Ahhh...childhood in grown-up form. Thank you, Mario Kart Wii (because there's nothing more magical then someone loudly complaining about getting a banana peel as a weapon).

Grade: B+

Bomberman Land - the Review

I am a long-time advocate of Bomberman. That cute little guy without eyebrows, toting a white jumpsuit? Oh he's the best. I mean, any character that can make a science out of bombing is admirable - especially if they make it fun for the kids!

Bomberman Land is the perfect kids game. The mini-games are simplistic and fun, while still being challenging. The dialogue and plot in the adventure mode is quite easy to understand if you're just learning how to read. The problem, however, is that I've been reading for quite a long time.

So how does this game differ from the original Bomberman? Well there are a ton of mini-games that are repetitive and aimless, there's an actual plot (although the story is pretty hard to digest), and it encourages you to do more than run around and bomb your friends.

Unfortunately, the classic battle mode is the only thing that really keeps this game interesting. One of the most timeless games in history is probably Bomberman 64. I still play that consistently with my friends. I can't imagine a world where it won't be an entertaining game.

So if your young child wants a game for the Wii, I recommend Bomberman Land. If you're in college and like the original Bomberman, wait until they re-release it for WiiWare later this year.

Grade: C-

Super Smash Bros.: Brawl - the Review

It was 11 a.m., but due to Daylight Savings Time, I thought it was 10 a.m. I looked at my computer screen when it dawned on me that I was an hour late to go to Best Buy and pick up my own copy of Super Smash Bros.: Brawl.

I rushed out the door, jumped on a bus, and waited in tooth-chattering anticipation to run into Best Buy and snatch up one of the few remaining copies. After all, the Chicago RedEye told me that it was going to be a hot commodity.

The bus pulls up next to Best Buy. I run in. I look frantically around. And there it is. An entire shelf full of the game, none of them to have been bought.

Now to the actual review. Sorry for the prosey intro about my internal struggle.

Super Smash Bros.: Brawl, in short, is every nerd's greatest dreams come true. You don't have to pay for online mode, you get to play as Solid Snake, Sonic, or Mario (although you gotta love Luigi in this one), and it's incredibly fun.

Play it with your friends, play it alone, or play it online - this game will be eternally fun. Like Melee before it, this game isn't dated. It just keeps being fun.

There are mini-game time wasters and you may very well fry your brain playing this game for hours and hours, but its worth it. With songs from games in years past and even the classic Donkey Kong level as one of the possibilities, this game is a nostalgic overload.

Plus its really surreal seeing Sonic become invincible from one of Mario's classic stars.

I love this game. I could write volumes about how much I love this game. I could write ballads and love notes to this game. You can use a variety of controls, play a number of characters, and go through the extensive adventure mode without getting bored. The soundtrack isn't even annoying! In all honesty, I wish I wasn't reviewing this game so I could go and play it.

Buy this game - take it in.

Grade: A+

"Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law" Review

I know that I've made it quite clear how much passion and excitement I had going into this game. Maybe you didn't know that, but hey, check the archives. My excitement was laid out very plainly.

Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law only holds up if you're a fan. Even then, it has its problems. The show features a lot of dry, blink-and-you'll-miss-it humor. The game tries to capture the same thing, but doesn't keep the same pace, thus some of the comedy falls flat.

The game was developed by Capcom, the same guys who did Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney for the DS. It follows the same guidelines, but doesn't really equal out to the same results. The Phoenix games are obscenely fun, which is frightening since they're law games, but the Birdman game doesn't take the format quite as seriously. Sometimes cases get solved in your favor when the judge gets bored, which is funny...but it still seems to distract.

I'm glad to see cameos from Hanna Barbera chacters - Magilla Gorilla, Secret Squirell, and Peter Potamus are all on board for the first two cases. Also, since Capcom has the rights, you can find hidden videos with "Street Fighter" characters on the scene. I'm nothing but happy about seeing Guile's hair catch fire.

I wanted so badly for this game to be great. However, I'm not all too concerned with playing it or even finishing it. For the same results, I could get around to watching the last two seasons of the show. The game is funny, but I'm going to wait until the game gets severely cut in price before I consider picking it up.

For fans of the show, rent the game. For fans of the Phoenix Wright games, wait for Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney (out tomorrow) and forget about this thing. Everybody else, I'd ignore this guy completely, alright? Goody!

Grade: C