9 vs. 19 - Volume 2

The year was 1995. The WB television network began, O.J. Simpson was found not guilty, Chrono Trigger was released for the Super Nintendo, and an 8-year-old Evan Minsker lied to the masses with a video game column. This is 9 vs. 19 - the terrible games based on bad '90s films edition.


After a few months absent, the Super Nintendo decided to resurface and grace my father and I with its dusty presence. Thirsty for cartridges, I took it for a test drive. The old girl still works flyingly.

I searched through the archive of old reviews published by dad, Justin and I. Low and behold, I came across two reviews which prove that I was a foolish, lying child.

Judge Dredd - SNES - original column published July 31, 1995

Past Evan - There's not very much blood - but I don't think a little kid should play this game - it might be too violent for them.
Present Evan - Oh young, innocent little Evan. You have so much to learn about violence in video games. Back in elementary school, when "Street Fighter" was considered to be too realistically violent and unsuitable for children, you had no idea what the industry was going to get into. This is Blue's Clues compared to the "Grand Theft Auto" or "Resident Evil" series'.
Past Evan - I like the fighting, but I don't like it that much - it's kind of good.
Present Evan - Wait, what? Do you like it or not? You haven't said nearly anything of worth. The fighting and control system may be redundant, but I think you were (almost) on to something there. The fighting is better than it is in most games of this nature. It's just impossible to stay alive because the game doesn't give you any way to avoid getting hit.

Batman Forever - SNES - original column published October 2, 1995

Past Evan - You're supposed to fight all these bad guys.
Present Evan - Uh-huh.
Past Evan - It looks a bit virtual.
Present Evan - Check.
Past Evan - The characters and the background look almost real!
Present Evan - Lies! You, sir, are full of lies. The graphics are awful. I mean, this is after "Donkey Kong Country" came out. That was the definition of cutting edge graphics at the time. This is awful! Batman's legs and arms only revert in two directions and otherwise the design of the game is lazy. Not to mention the Arkham Asylum villains names are "Mad John" or "Mad Ron." Laziness all around.
Past Evan: I like the graphics and the fighting and that's it.
Present Evan: Well the fighting is awful. There's nothing innovative or good about the fighting design. There are games similar to this for the SNES that hold up way better than this piece of junk.

So how do they hold up?

• "Judge Dredd" - While the game isn't one of the best, it still is much better than "Batman Forever." That horrible Stallone staple aside, this game's only problem lies in how impossible it is to stay alive for an extended amount of time.
• 1995 grade: C+
• 2007 grade: D+
  

• "Batman Forever" - This game is awful. I don't know what I was thinking in 1995, because it's a chore to get anywhere close to finishing the first level. With clunky and awful controls and a terrible fighting system, avoid this game like the plague.
• 1995 grade: A+
• 2007 grade: F

The verdict? Okay, so my grade was deceiving in the "Judge Dredd" review of 1995. That game turned out to be slightly better than "Batman Forever." The latter of the two, however, was a total lie. I apologize to anyone who purchased that game after reading my glowing review of it. It was worse than the movie itself...which is saying something.