Real Time Review: Pocket Pool
I'm trying something different with this one: a real time review. I'll write about it as I play it, to let you, the reader, know my reactions to the game as they happen. It will be like 24, only, instead of Jack Bauer fighting terrorism, it's me, reviewing crappy games.
May 7th, 2007 A.D.
6:37 p.m. I took the protective seal off of the game. I feel as though I have cracked open some forbidden tomb, and wholly expect a plague of locusts to come flying out of the box to devour my face.
6:38 p.m. I would like to share a few excerpts from what is sure soon to be one of the great American Classics of our time - the Pocket Pool Instruction Book. Read from these stunning character profiles (not edited for grammatical errors or stupidity) -
Jelena - Jelena took up the game early. Starting at the age of three, her and her father would spend hours shooting pool in the family playroom. There, the old man passed down secrets from his rough and tumble days.
A touching sentiment, one I'm sure the target audience of this game will enjoy.
McKenzie - A sly and sultry billiard queen, McKenzie is aloof and distant. Her attitude often turns off other players, she is a master of deception and a serious hustler.Wow! I learned a lot in my English classes, but never mastered the ability to describe a person so clearly. In the first sentence alone, I learned that McKenzie is sly, sultry, aloof, and distant! Unpack those adjectives, Pocket Pool!
Ledbeter - This good old boy keeps his shotgun in the same case with his cue - "for good luck" he says. Don't worry about the gun, though, be more concerned with his cue - because when it comes to shooting pool he didn't just fall the turnip truck.
Remember that scene from Deep Impact, where the asteroid lands in the ocean, and Tea Leoni is standing on the beach with her dad, and she sees the killer deluge flying towards her? That's how I feel right now, only a hundred times more frightened.
6:48 - Opening Cinematic showing now. Oh, good, it's live-action full motion video. There's a scantily-clad woman suggestively polishing a pool cue. Now she's suggestively blowing chalk of the tip of the cue. Now she's lazily and suggestively rolling around two pool balls in her hand. Man, I had no idea pool was such a sexy game! Surely it is the sexiest of all parlor games.
6:50 - Great, there's a tutorial! There's even a little guide to help you through the tutorial:
Hi, my name is Isabelle. Are you ready for a little 'Pocket Pool'? Good. Let me show you how the game is played. At anytime, you can stop this tutorial and return to the Title Menu by pressing the select button. But don't stop now, I'm just getting warmed up.I think the innuendo receptors in my brain just exploded.
To release your shot, hold down Circle button and press the right button to hit. Mmmm, that must have felt good.Oh, no, wait. There they go.
7:00 - My first game! Okay, here we go. Let's see, well, there's a number of game modes here, Bonus 9 Balls, Time Attack, Pool 9 Balls, Pool 8 Balls, Pool 10 Balls, Straight Pool, and... Pratice? What is Pratice? Oh, you must mean practice. For a moment, I forgot this game was made by an eleven-year old.
You can choose your room, ball set, cue, character, music, table, and ball speed before a game. I think I'll go with Ledbeter, he sounds like a real charmer.
7:05 - I can see the designers went with an interesting art style; the rarely implemented "Terrible".
7:13 - The soundtrack on this game is wretched. I've heard better droning rock music in Shenmue.
7:21 - My opponent, Paris (named and fashioned after a certain hotel heiress) just sunk 3 balls in a row. Wait, 4. Wait, 5. Going for 6... Got it! And she barely misses 7. Amazing AI on this game! Of course, if I was a program designed to play pool, I'd probably be pretty good at it too.
7:22 - I missed my shot again. Either I'm terrible, or the physics on this game are terrible. And Paris lines up her shot, bounces off six walls, and sinks her ball. I swear, it's like the AI can see into the future.
7:26 - Paris just scratched on the 8 ball. I'm not a pool shark, but I'm pretty sure that means she loses. And yet, the game simply spotted the 8 ball back onto the table, and counted it as a regular scratch. So, not only is the opponent a pool robot, it's a cheating pool robot.
7:28 - I should mention that every time you miss your shot, your opponent calls you on it. "You suck," Paris shouts with glee. "Sometimes it's not good to suck," Paris says, condescendingly. "That shot sucked," Paris notes wisely.
7:31 - Finally, Paris delivers the killing blow in a shot that bounced off four walls. GAME OVER appears in giant red letters as the crowd screams for my death.
My review so far -
Graphics - Wretched.
Music - Wretched.
Gameplay - Not Playable.
Sexiness - Undetermined.
7:33 - Oh ho ho, there is a little option which was unseen before this moment on the title screen - "Gallery". Fully expecting an extremely sexy assortment of ladies in compromising positions around pool tables, I turn all the pictures of my family members away for a few moments.
7:34 - The gallery is completely empty. I assume you must play their crappy game to unlock the naughty photographs, which is a task I can almost promise to be impossible. And with an M rating, not AO (adults only), I can also promise that there are sexier pictures in an Old Navy catalog. Of course, if you were just duped into paying $40 for Pocket Pool, then perhaps you would be more likely to drill into it's uninspired veins, desperately searching for chunks of erotic ore.
Sexiness - Nonexistent.
7:36 - A viscous, black syrup begins to ooze out of my PSP. I stare at it intently as it moans and weeps softly in my hands.
Is this blood? Is this PSP blood?
7:37 - I immediately eject the game, slide it back into it's case, and drive quickly to the nearest Catholic church, where I immerse the game in holy water, destroying it forever.
The End.
I really was going to try to be nicer during this review, as I noticed I tend to be critical to all the games I review. But I can't. There is no redeeming quality to this game whatsoever. The graphics, sound, and gameplay are all terrible - and whatever titillating qualities which may be hinted at by the box art are not there.
Pocket Pool is just the latest in a series of games to try to lure gamers in with sexuality, only to deliver one of the worst gaming experiences ever. I hope, as a subculture, we do not embrace these games, as they not only reflect poorly upon us, they lower the standards of our chosen medium.
"We got Trouble! Right here in River City! And that starts with T, and that rhymes with P, and that stands for Pool! It also rhymes with E, which is a vowel, which is like U, which is also a vowel, and that stands for Unplayable, which is what Pocket Pool is."Thanks, Harold Hill.
