Kickin' it Like Danny Tanner, or Adventures in Summer Cleaning

So I'm not a McElroy. Just thought I'd get that out of the way. For those of you who have been reading Blog: The Video Game, you're probably familiar with Justin and Griffin, both of the McElroy persuasion. I'm Evan Minsker. Where I don't bear the McElroy moniker, rest assured I have known them for a solid 17 or 18 years of my 19 years living. But none of this is important.

I've been playing video games for a very long time. Thus, cleaning the house normally means finding remnants of my TV-driven childhood. Today, after cleaning out some drawers of a table that we're getting rid of, I found some books of my middle school years. To give you an idea of the non-Seuss literature that I was exposed to as a child, here were my findings.

1. Perfect Dark: The Official Nintendo Power Player's Guide - Ah Perfect Dark. I remember you well. I remember expecting for you to make Goldeneye: 007 look awful in comparison. And yes, you were fun, but let's be honest for a moment. When playing Goldeneye, you could shoot a box or a table and it would explode. Anything would explode. In Perfect Dark, you didn't get such luxuries. 'Twas a shame. Let's read an excerpt from this timeless classic, shall we?

"Are you afraid of the dark? You should be. The finest agent the Carrington Institute has ever produced is about to embark on her first mission, and she didn't earn the nickname 'Perfect' for her social skills."

I won't put you through the other puns relating to the words 'perfect' or 'dark.'

2. The Legend of Zelda Majora's Mask: Prima's Official Strategy Guide - Well, it looks like they're all N64 strategy guides. Hmm...awesome 3D maps inside, sealed secrets section, lots of secrets and things it seems. Well this book was obviously not utilized to its fullest capacity since I stopped halfway through the game. I clearly preferred Ocarina of Time. Although this game did introduce Tinkle, the face of gaming masculinity.


3. WWF No Mercy: Prima's Official Strategy Guide - Seemingly the most unnecessary book of the bunch. I remember liking this game because you could create your own characters and make them fight against your favorite wrestlers. And win. Somehow. But upon closer inspection of this book, it just tells you how to perform your character's signature moves...which you could clearly find in the game itself. So this is a formal apology to my parents for probably asking them to buy me this. It was clearly a waste of their money.

I dread finding any more of these in my adventures in cleaning. The guilt will probably be too much.