Gallagher's Gallery Part 1: A Long Journey Into Night

Here's an idea for a video game.

You kidnap prop comedian Gallagher, probably after he does a radio interview where he insists that he wants people to move past melon smashing a recognize his insightful political commentary.

After gagging him with a rag soaked in chloroform, you bring him back to an unmarked warehouse where you have his family at gunpoint. After dosing him with sedatives, you tell him that if he doesn't cooperate with you, watermelon innards won't be the only thing lining the walls. Capisce?

What grim task do you have in mind? What's required all of these machinations? Oh, you just want him to star in your laserdisc game. Yeah, that's it. You just want him to introduce a few segments of this arcade shooting game.

Oh, and then, just to make your point, you cut his right big toe off.

If you did all this, the family, the big toe, the whole enchilada, the performance would still be better than the one in "Gallagher's Gallery." Don't believe me? Let's take a look.

The last jar is full of dignity.

You know, if you want to stem the increasingly materialistic nature of our society, here's the best solution: Make everyone also buy Gallagher. I love that the cart in this clip seems to be moving of its own volition, as if it's looking for a cliff to roll off of, or a room full of spinning razor blades, Indiana Jones-style.

"Ever tell your kids that there' s not such thing as monsters? You're a liar."

You interact with this game solely with a pistol, so I imagine you probably would have unloaded all of your imaginary ammo at this point, believing that you had some how been sent back in time to kill baby Gallagher. But don't get too excited. Science tells us that even if you had been able to catch Gallagher at this tender age, you still would not have been able to kill him.

"You know what I want to fix? Gallagher's parents, 60 years ago."

This is where the game really loses me. I mean, before, it was a hideous and annoying little kid, right? It was awful and devoid of humor, but I got what he was going for. In this clip though, it seems like Gallagher's playing himself, crossed with a 6-year-old beauty queen, crossed with a guy who keeps a gun on a chain in a box (which, admittedly, could also be Gallagher.) Maybe Gallagher really was kidnapped, and somehow, acting like Charles Nelson Reilly on angeldust was his secret cry for help to the free world. Maybe.